I am stronger when I thought I wasn't

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Although i'm still in my early 20's and I haven't experienced the worst of what life has to offer. But no matter how life sucks everything will be okay In God's Will.

Looking back, I can say that I've come a long way from where I was 4-7 years ago. In fact, I quite learned the hard way. All my life I've been in that rabbit whole where I was trapped in my own negativity and manic-depressive world. But thankfully, Alhamdulillah, I'm now much better. Sometimes, even the smallest step can lead you to the biggest step of your life, it doesn't matter how slow it may be as long as you're moving forward. In the right time, Allah will grant you all the happiness you deserve. I'm not saying that my life has been and is perfect, there are still days when I can hardly get up from bed and I cry myself to sleep, but all i'm trying to say is... It does get better.

But of course I wouldn't be where I am now without some of those life changing experiences I've gone through: 

Surviving High School.
Despite being a Catholic school, our school was like the ones you see in the movies. There were the jocks and mean girls who rule the school, nerds who are the teachers' pet, the emo's, and us the wallflower aka the nobody. I've had a rough time during high school. I was so weak that I let myself be bullied, not just by classmates/schoolmates but also by teachers. I ended up depressed and anxious, I held grudges and I felt like...

But it's not all bad, don't get me wrong. I have my bestfriends (who are still my best friends) that I've shared good memories with, and of course playing the violin in front of a crowd.

And after everything that I've been through, I learned to forgive and let go, however, just because forgiveness is offered, it does not mean I see them as a clean slate, more as a small conflict I have chosen to overcome with maturity and kindnessIf you ask me if there's an opportunity to redo high school, I would never. I realised that high school may be one of the darkest years in my life but it made me strong, it made me a better person. 

Also, I agree with Daria:

Changing My Path.
I guess my greatest downfall was when I was voted out of nursing school. I took a rest during the summer to decide whether to say goodbye or to stay.

So I changed my path - I enrolled in a different school and shifted into a new course.

Looking back, it was truly one of the best decisions I've ever made! And just when I thought I was rejected from something great, it actually lead me to something greater. And  I have to thank the CI's who flunked me out of  that deliberation, if it weren't for them I would't be as happy and passionate as I am now. Sometimes you just have to take a risk in order to know your true happiness, after all we only live once. It's okay if you're a bit behind, it's not a race, as long as you're happy and passionate in your chosen path.

Losing a Best Friend.
I lost some friends when I changed my path. At first they invite you but as time goes by you'll receive less and lesser txts and invites until you get none. They completely forgot you and you're just there sitting in front of your laptop seeing their happy faces in facebook nothing to do but cry. 

But you know what's the most painful one? Losing your best friend. Losing a best friend is worse than losing a lover. Lovers/Boyfriends come and go but friends are supposed to be the for you through thick and thin or vice versa. Sometimes there’s no huge fight that marks the end of it. Sometimes it just falls apart without you knowing why. Not in our years of friendship I expected her to disappear without saying goodbye.  I felt betrayed and cheated, completely hanging and confused. I remember crying myself to sleep wondering why and what happened. But what can I do? Nothing.

At the end, I gave up and raised the white flag. Instead of mopping around and blame myself for whatever reason that I didn't know, I stood up and continue to walk ahead. I realised why would I burden myself when I haven’t done anything wrong. That’s life, people come and go into your life and fate leads you to different paths. I've learned to let go freely and concentrate on people who chose to stay in my life. And it eased up everything.

Ali, who never gave up.
I have encountered quite a few guys in my teen years and they were all the same. I lost hope in finding love until Ali came into the picture. Finding love in its purest and realist form is rare. To be honest, I'm a difficult person to be with. Who the hell wants a scarred, depressed, and suicidal girl? But Ali, he's different. He stayed and he never gave up on me. And I think that's enough

My parents. Always.
I'm very lucky to have parents who support not just my needs and wants but also supported me during my darkest days, understands me even when I i'm hard to understand, accepted me for despite all those prescriptions and therapies. Though there are days that we argue and have disagreements, I love them so much and words cannot tell how thankful I am that I have such wonderful parents. I hope somehow despite the long journey, in my own little way, I made them proud.

There will always be a point in your life that you would want to stop it. But no matter how many times you said you would do it, you just can’t. No matter how much your mind makes up those thoughts that kill you, disintegrate you, degrade you, your body doesn’t agree with the thought of murdering somebody, yourself or whoever that is. And God doesn’t allow you no matter how many times you try to do it. God sends signals in any form that is, to make you understand that life has beauty in it, even if all that you see are the ugly.

I can look back in the past and just smile, remembering how I won the battle of forgiving those people who hurt and left me, and forgetting the pain it brought me or how life played at me and threw thorny curve balls at me. I'm so much thankful to all who chose to stay and to all the bad experiences as well as the good ones. I now see life a little bit differently, with courage and optimism. I;m not saying that life will be easy as pie from now on but I'm taking baby steps to be better, to be stronger...

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  1. <3 <3 thank you for writing again! I miss you and your thoughts. <3
    love you!

  2. This post is so strong, Ate Joyce. I can literally say that this speaks for myself, and I am serious about it. Though I am in college now, surviving, I could honestly say that my highschool years was the hardest compared to my college life. In highschool, I was this shrinking violet who's pressured. In our school, competition is inevitable. I had to maintain my grades, with the environment I have which was the hardest. Although I didn't had the romantic side of love, it was still so hard seeing my bestfriend dating my crush, lol. But now, as I remember those things, I just laugh. Maybe it wasn't really meant for me that time, I am just so happy how I have become now, and I already found someone whom I can rely on to, I can call mine. This post made me think of my past, Ate. I love this!

    Lou | wander-soul.net